How to spot an American on LiveJournal
mood: 
informative
informativemusic: Tenacious D - Warning
Americans are pretty widespread these days, particularly on the internet. Chances are, you've probably run into one or two of them here on livejournal - you may even be one yourself1 - although I've been informed that some people have difficulty spotting them2, which is why I've decided to provide you all with this handy guide.
Enthusiasts will find it an invaluable tool in quickly identifying yanks to interact with & study, whereas those who inexplicably don't enjoy talking about hamburgers and Jesus will have some use for it, I'm sure...
You can thank me later.
1You have my condolences.
2Online, I mean. In Real Life you can spot them at 20 paces by their grating accents, being overweight, annoyingly straight teeth & refusal to drink tea...
- Vowel Phobia
The most obvious clue that you're talking to an American is their unreasoning fear of vowels - particularly in clusters. The average American fervently believes that vowels are highly explosive, and are capable of reaching critical mass if too many of them are used in a single sentence. They therefore remove as many vowels as possible from as many words as possible in an attempt to 'disarm' the language and prevent an explosion3.
(It has been theorised that apostrophes & hyphens are regarded as 'a bit like shrapnel', which would seem to explain why so many Americans avoid using these as well.)
Of course, a series of consonants isn't proof that it's an American writing the post - it could also be Welsh, so be on your guard.
3This would make diphthongs 'Weapons of Mass Destruction'. - Union Jack Icons
Easy one, this. It's the LJ equivalent of walking through Leicester Square wearing Union Jack shorts - something only an American would do. Britons don't really identify with the Union Jack4, we don't wear it on our clothing, we don't put it in our icons - but Americans certainly do (odd, considering that whole tea-wasting palaver they went through to get rid of the flag, but there you have it...)
4Being proudly British, and members of a Union that dates back 300 years, we generally identify with the flags that make up the Union Jack. Obviously. - Food Obsession
No, this isn't an 'Americans are fat' comment5; I'm talking about posting pictures of food. And talking about food. At every opportunity. When a British person posts about having a meal, we post about what happened during the meal - anecdotes that were told, stupid stuff that happened, people getting insulted, Aunt Gladys choking to death on the meringue... entertaining things like that.
Americans, on the other hand, post about the food. With pictures of the food. If we're especially lucky, the people who were actually eating the food might get mentioned (in passing), but only if it doesn't shift the focus away from the food too much.
5What sort of person do you take me for? I already did that one. - Mental Illness
Or rather talking about it. Obviously being barking mad isn't restricted to the yanks, but they do seem to be the only ones who are eager to tell absolutely everyone they know (and, indeed, everyone they don't) all about how crazy they are. If a post mentions therapy or anti-depressants - you can be pretty damn confident there's an American sat behind the keyboard.
A Brit will happily regale the internet with the tale of how he got so drunk last night he passed out and woke up naked in a gutter full of dogshit, but there's no fucking way any of us will post about being mental.
We've got too much dignity for that... - Disproportionate Levels of Enthusiasm
Americans don't seem to think we'll believe they're impressed unless they're screaming like a fucking spastic at the top of their lungs. This of course carries across into LiveJournal - if you receive an overly enthusiastic response to some pretty mediocre news ("I found 5p behind the fridge earlier" "SWEET FUCKING JESUS, that's so fucking great, it's fantastic, that's the best news I've ever heard! you're awesome, wow!!!! It's so awesome, that's brilliant!!!!!!!!! I'm touching myself right now" for example) then you've got an American on your friendslist.
They're probably not trying to come across as the least sincere person the world has ever known. Probably. - Being Literal
Americans, sadly, have to take everything they read at face value, and are utterly unable to comprehend sarcasm - even if you explain it to them. Especially if you explain it to them....
If the phrase "Are you serious?" or "Are you being sarcastic?" appears in a comment - yep; you've got a yank reading. You'll probably be tempted to reply to these questions sarcastically.
Don't. You'll just confuse the American further, and you'll end up blaming yourself when it gets disoriented & has to be put down. It's best just to leave them to their own devices - they're simple folk, with simple ways. You can't change that.
No matter how much their literal interpretation of absolutely everything you say may make you want to stab them repeatedly in the face. - Lack of Opinions
Americans don't express actual opinions. I'm not saying that they don't comment, but that they don't tell you what they think about things. Typical American commentary (be it as a reply to someone else's LJ post or a review of a film) is more along the lines of "This is funny" "This is scary. It is a film. See Jack Run. Run, Jack, Run."6 or "You wrote a post. This is a funny post", "You are sad", "This post contains both words and pictures. You wear glasses." etc.
...You get the idea. It's not opinion; it's description. I'm not sure if Americans are actually capable of expressing opinions - there's a part of me that thinks maybe it's a politically-correct "I don't want to offend anyone by giving my opinion" sort of thing, but there's another part of me that thinks maybe this is how they interpret the world.
Which is terrifying (but it would explain the sarcasm thing...)
6The especially sad part is that they'd probably think that this 'review' of Pirates of the Caribbean warranted a spoiler warning... - Holidays
Americans like holidays. This may be because they don't get any time off work - they live in the Land of the Free, remember, so they don't really need any time off7 - every day is like a holiday for them. Actually, pretty much every day is a holiday - and Americans are determined to celebrate every fucking one of them, in a desperate attempt to bring a semblance of joy into their drab, soulless little lives.
This is extreme, but not that unusual - every nation has its holidays to celebrate, after all. You know you're talking to an American when they expect you to celebrate their holidays. Their national holidays. Now, with certain things it makes a little bit of sense - Christmas, for example; there are Christians in countries other than America (although if you're Hindu Americans will still expect you to get a visit from 'Santa'...) - but it makes absolutely no sense when we're talking about stuff that isn't based on religion.
Trying to explain to an American why we don't celebrate Thanksgiving in England, for example, can be a little difficult - in part because really, we are thankful8 - but I would still expect anyone with at least a rudimentary understanding of his own national history to know why we don't celebrate it, without my having to explain it. Every bloody year.
Their other national holidays are even less relevant to the rest of the world - no, I don't think that National Talk Like a Pirate Day is of major cultural significance9. You know, I don't believe they celebrate the Fourth of July in Ghana, actually. Can't think why. No, they don't get a day off work in Germany on Martin Luther King day - disgraceful, isn't it?
They just aren't able to grasp the concept that 'national' means 'within America', or that their holidays just aren't important to the rest of the world10, and so they get incredibly confused when we don't even know that the holiday exists (which, considering they seem to create them at the drop of a fucking hat, is a pretty common occurrence).
7Only Communists get time off work.
8Truly. Please don't come back.
9Anywhere, I hope - but definitely not outside the USA...
10Just like St. Andrew's Day is only important to people who think that skirts are suitable battlefield attire.
Hopefully, this will aid you all in your Yank-spotting - maybe some of you even have rare breeds in your friendslist that you can swap with a fellow enthusiast! A few may be surprised to find that you have hitherto unnoticed Americans commenting in your journal - try not to be disturbed by this. It comes as a shock to all of us at first.
I know a lot of their behaviour may seem obnoxious : that's because it is.
You just have to remember that it's not their fault - they're American; they have to live with it, and we have to put up with them.
you are funny. this comment has words in it.
Two out of three ain't bad.
2. I'm talking about posting pictures of food.
Did we know each other when I posted this picture? (We even have maniacal smiles on breakfast foods)
3. there's a part of me that thinks maybe it's a politically-correct "I don't want to offend anyone by giving my opinion" sort of thing
You were thinking of me when you wrote this. Admit it.
4. I use this icon to throw people off the scent.
Never mind. I'm home sick from work and I think the fever has made me *mental*.
There, I just stated an opinion. So really, it is two challenges.
ENG-UR-LURND....
Giant versions of this car flag will also appear on the houses of said ENG-UR-LUND supporters.
Similiarly large Lager soaked items will appear around their shoulders because they have to show they are true ENG-UR-LUND supporters. Usually you can spot them kicking over tables outside restaurants and drinking Stella out of plastic cups then picking fights with foreigners, or when that fails, each other.
Because heaven forbid we don't know we're somewhere in the United Kingdom during the World Cup. Oh no.
The funny thing is that they all get taken down as soon as we're soundly defeated by, traditionally, penalties by Germany. It doesn't matter if Germany is even playing, we will be knocked out by Germany.
Apparently, I like to drop hats.
2. Americans and Ex-pats, actually. Often because bearing or flying the Cross of St George leads to being asked for medical assistance. Stupid cunts. See below.
3. I was a foodie well before I came over here. I'll admit that I've become more so since coming over here, though. I blame this mainly on the food over here being by default a bit shit.
4. At least I restrict most of my barking about being barking to a filter. Wibble.
5. I cannot dispute this in any way. Americans seem to have no notion of emotional restraint, which probably ties in to the sar-chasm, and indeed point 7, as well as the lack of proper enjoyment in a good whinge.
6. I've been trying to train my wife for 8 years. So far, I'd rate her grasp of such underhanded dishonesty as sarcasm and irony as "Simian".
7. The American education system is bad. The number of kids who reach 18 and can't write their own names is scary.
8. Fookin' Right. NO concept of worker's rights in the USA, except as far as raising the minimum wage, since union member's wages are based on the minimum wage, and union fees are based on wages. The notion of paid sick time, for instance? Not a sausage, you've got to use a day off, of which you get about 3. Thus (not thence) the "any excuse" attitude towards bank holidays. The lack of understanding that there are other countries is instilled at a very young age, and is a separate problem from simply understanding holidays. Although that doesn't explain your enimity towards International Talk Like A Pirate Day due to foreignness. Christmas was invented in Israel, more or less, and that doesn't stop you enjoying it. I think it's the newness that you object to, really, since there are several other "Act Like A Twat" holidays that seem to exist quite peacefully. A good chunk of pirates were English, what's more.
Wow. Do you allow your wife to read or will you be permitted to live another day?
I'm infested!
Can I just add that 'London' icons are another way to tell an Amercian.
I loved this post lol.
As an English girl living in the US, I can tell you even in person, people will go into great details as to what they are going to have for a meal if given the oppertunity. At least that is what I have observed.
But none of us actually use them seriously, I mean, Harry's a zombie ferchrissakes...
It's been known as a 'Union Jack' pretty much since its creation, though - which is a bit odd, if that's really based on naval terminology. It's more likely that there's some other reason the flag is referred to as such, rather than the jack staff connection (which is pretty obscure as far as the average person is concerned).
The King who created* the flag (and united the crowns) was called Jacobus in Latin, so it could be based on his name (I like this explanation).
*inasmuch as Kings actually do anything of the sort, obviously...
#4 is absolutely accurate.
#5 is completely off. Have you ever read correspondence by any of the Mitfords? Or just had a pint at the Admiral Codrington? SUCH bliss, I was in heaven, but she went through COMPLETE disaster, she was in FLOO0DS, etc.
#2, re: Union Flag clothes: Have you EVER visited Benidorm? (Not that I would blame you if you passed on this one.)
Okay, this post made me laugh a lot, and I agree with a lot of it, especially the mental illness thing. For a while it seemed like EVERYONE I met online was having some kind of therapy, or taking some kind of medication... of course, they all turned out to be American -_-
(#1 can describe people of other nationalities, so you need at least two others as well as that one to be certain)
Accuracy
And just because I had a burger for lunch doesn't make me American (even if I am american).
And for that matter, neither does the fact (not a lie, you can tell because it is bolded, and not normal text) that I see a psychiatrist.
All you do is talk talk talk. About you. Just talk away talky man (no opinions there? good).
Wait a minute. You don't celebrate Thanksgiving? Why not? Are you communists or something? Or do you just get enough days off of work that you don't need to take more off for superfluous holidays? (oh no, I'm in danger of blowing up the world myself now witht hat word)
THAT'S IT! I'M SWITCHING ALL MY ICONS TO UNION JACKS!!!
Amusing in most parts. In a weird way, I enjoy getting made fun of. I make fun of my own country all the time - which is very, very sad. :(
Gotta say these things, though:
3. I see food posts all the time. 85% of the time, they're Canadian.
I've posted pictures of moldy food found in the back of my fridge. Does that count?
5. Guilty as charged. Perhaps I enjoy being happy, which is sometimes hard to convey over the internet. It's more fun to go "ZOMG I LOVE MY STUFF" rather than "I'm really fond of my things." *points to icon*
6. And those who are very cynical take nothing seriously.
*bows to the master*
You know, my cousin's urges for me to go to school in Canada are sounding pretty sweet right now...
Lastly, Diphthongs of of Mass Destruction= Win.
1. Ths s bcs thy r nncssry. Okay, not really. But the redundant U ones are. :D
2. I think I have never owned a piece of clothing bearing the union jack. Or any other flag, unless perhaps it was part of a logo. Hm.
3. This is at least sometimes because our food is yummy and worth discussing and looking at? In comparison to the general opinion I often hear expressed regarding British food, course.
4. See Icon.
5. !
6. Are you serious?
7. Coconut is disgusting. Also, the tendency of Americans to be painfully aware of PC not-offending issues is strangling to the concept of personal opinion.
8. Well, we do get time off if we have non-craptastic jobs. However, I will submit that honestly, most of us do have a pretty good idea about holidays not celebrated elsewhere. We just often don't know about ones that are. For instance, the one about ...boats? Sailing? In Australia? No idea.
;)
Yummy Food
I love a good Fish an chips, and Yorkshire pudding can be yummy but why must everything in every brit restaurant over here come with big grey peas.
Of course, who could forget when Pseudo went on and on about Gravy... http://unimag.livejournal.com/87507.htm
That is how you know I'm not a yank.
~ sera
#4 makes me crazy. It's one thing to say 'I've been feeling shitty lately' and another thing entirely to spill your guts to an entire stranger about you history of depression/anti-social personality disorder/whatever the hell your problem is.
#6 can be a bitch to tell when you don't get to hear the tone or see the facial expression. Sometimes body language is what makes sarcasm go over.
#7 is another story all together. Most Americans need a spine transplant. Bunch of limp-wristed yes men...
(ah HA!)
No really, this is brilliant. And that's my opinion.
Signed,
Typical Yankie Gal